I love the academic world. It is certainly not due to the politics and competition, nor the library fines and perpetual holds on that-book-you-needed, nor the damage it does to my bank account. It is the potential hope it holds. The academic world has its own creed – that of the uninhibited attaining of knowledge and the open sphere of free debate. Too often, universities propagate exactly the opposite. A lecturer stands at the front of a room and simply speaks to the empty vessels sitting in front of them, communicating knowledge directly, and without question. Too often, I have been guilty of sitting in lectures and simply absorbing, blindly, the knowledge that is thrown towards me. I am that tabula rasa, that clay pot into which knowledge is poured, and promptly deposited back out. For those who have read Charles Dickens’s Hard Times, this reference will be even stronger.

But there are some lectures that, when I leave the room, have completely shaken up my whole worldview, and shown me a complete new world. This wonderful teacher noted the potential links between medieval mystics, who were predominately female, and people of all sexes who suffer from anorexia nervosa.

I need to think about this further before I complete this post.

________________________________________

25th March:

To a completion of this – it has taken me far too long, I realise.

For women in the medieval times, at least as far as Caroline Banyum can see, food was their primary source of power, in more ways than one. They had control over food in their households and over their husbands, meaning that they had increased authority over their own eating, but also over the threat of poisoned food for their husbands. There are many recorded allegations of wives poisoning or medicating the food of their husbands to serve their own ends, although to what degree this is the case is another matter. As such, food was where their authority lay. Also, restriction of food and charity were ways in which women could overcome the standard misogynistic perceptions of male as spirit and female as flesh in an emulation of Christ. Further, the Eucharist held an increased significance for many women, particularly mystics, as when fasting, it held a nourishing quality that then led to the notion of a nourishing, feminised God, thus allowing women to place themselves beyond the ‘flesh’ and literally in the same spirit of God.

Certainly not all cases of fasting were classed as mystical; Catherine of Siena referred to her own condition as an “infirmity”. It all depends on definitions: if one takes the classical Catholic distinctions between “natural” (psychological / physiological / sociological) and “mystical” (supernaturally-caused) fasting, female activity becomes fully polarised. I am not sure if I agree; some mystics may have indeed suffered from physiological ailments and yet perceived their own conditions as spiritual, increasing their power and subverting the male gaze. The alternative (and somewhat problematically, more modern) definitions fit better: modern scholars note a difference between “a strong desire for thinness” and “the self-restriction of food when food is plentiful” – the latter definition is divorced from direct links to anorexia, whilst still allowing for genuine mystical choice.

These women viewed spirituality as their way of holding on to control – their requirement to be faithful and pious was still present, but there was still active liberation allowed within this. In a modern study (Pandolfo) of women in Egypt turning to wearing the hijab as an expression of faith, a distinction is noted between “negative” and “positive” freedom, “negative” freedom requiring each choice to be made free of any forms of coercion, as opposed to “positive” freedom, in which choices must be made with a sense of “universal reason”, thus inherently allowing for their choice to wear the veil, despite challenges, to be deemed free. Many criticise this choice as upholding a dominant male superiority view – yet for many of these women, their choice is the will of God and they are trained into pious behavior out of choice to worship.

In the modern West, as I have often noted, we experience emotion or passion, which then leads to action. If I am hungry, I eat. If I am tired, I sleep. In the medieval West, and in areas beyond European boundaries, there is often a greater focus on self-education; an action, e.g. the wearing of the hijab is deemed necessary and the passion and emotion associated with this action is built up slowly, out of conscious action. This is no less freedom – it is merely different freedom.

This all causes me to wonder at the lengths we go to to keep control, to hold on to our steady views of how the world should be. Our concepts of freedom are distorted – in the medieval times, women would have certainly acknowledged the requirement of self-education and the development of passion from action. Our freedom is no less worthy than theirs. For medieval women, their authority was exercised by drawing the other, the strange and the uncomfortable into themselves, and expressing it for all the world to see – indeed, their restriction was their liberation. This was happening even a hundred years ago within the Catholic faith, as Saint Gemma Galgani’s worthiness was doubted by a diagnosis of hysteria. Her actions were no less worthy, and to prove this, she embraced her illness saying that this would make her a better lover of God and better loved by God. She embraced the definition others gave her, and turned it into her strength.

I need to do this more often too. It is a wonderful strength, to be able to absorb the challenges of others, accept them and use them to form a better self. When people dismiss me, or harm me, if only I had the ability to form that hatred into love. Perhaps that is where her sanctity resided – not in her illness, but in her hope despite it.

There have been challenges and struggles, certainly. This year, twelve people I know have passed away; one violently, two unknown, four heart attacks, two brain hemorrhages and three in a car crash. There has of course been joy in plenty. The wheel of life turns onwards. So much has changed.

Course Weight Mark Grade Course Avg.

FAH216H1 – Later Medieval Art 0.50 81 A- B-

FAH319H1 – Illumin Manuscript 0.50 82 A- B-

PHL240H1 – Persons, Minds, Bodies 0.50 74 B C+

RLG220H1 – Phil Resp Holocaust 0.50 85 A B-

Oh yes!

I am considering ministry.

I never thought I could ever write that. I certainly never thought I would. Frighteningly, I have found a congregation that I fit into, with a theological background that makes complete sense. All the obscure, different beliefs I have held for so long actually have a name to unify them.

But it is this fact that scares me even further. The idea of having a label, and a “home” where I don’t need to escape from some kind of prejudice or difficulty. And suddenly, the love and apparent skill (100%) I held for theology when I studied it for my university exams has suddenly returned to me. Finally, a group of people who do not glare when you don’t recite the Christian creeds and bow and scrape. I have been glared at by priests, shouted away from Churches and had so many people telling me that hell is my destination. There is quite some irony in the world for me to end up with a conservative Catholic, homophobic, slightly racist roommate, in a conservative Catholic college, complete with nuns.

I am afraid of labels, and boxes. But this seems to be a box with a universe beyond it; not a Christian, Buddist, Hindu, Sikh or cultish background, but rather a traditional faith that merits all faiths as representations of a wider scheme.

Suddenly, I am considering ministry, and ministering to those around me in the sense of open-minded kindness, without implying or forcing a closed creed. And I am so scared. And so welcomed.

Due to my idiot status, I have decided to take six courses this term – a bad idea, but an interesting one! As such, I am rushed off my feet, and seem to never quite have my nose far from a book, but it’s all part of the fun I suppose. On the other hand, I’m keeping up to speed, enjoying life here (despite the cold) and happen to be doing quite well, at subjects i’ve never done before, which is a lovely boost.

I get on swimmingly with my roommate most of the time, despite the odd glitch. Most of those glitches happen to be about religion, as she is a conservative Catholic and I am… not. Really and completely not. It’s fascinating, and often very beautiful, but the unfortunate superiority complex of many, and ability to harm others via their views is quite another matter. Apparently, I am going to hell in a rather glorious, shiny fashion. This is what comes from living in a conservative Catholic residence, complete with nuns. Oh, and the nuns can be unpleasant and grumpy as hell too.

Luckily i’ve found some good people here outside res and am going out tonight, despite having the unfortunate position of being nicknamed “mummy” within the residence and rather depressingly beginning to resemble the grad student I live with. We have study dates. It’s a long story!

I’ve discovered a penchant for terrible films, ballroom dancing and african music – not that those weren’t already there. I am involved in several dance classes and water polo. Wonderfully, i’ve been invited back to secondary dance classes by my ballroom tutor, who apparently believes that I have a modicum of talent! Exciting!

Exam results from last term are still not all in, but mostly. All above average, and at a RHUL equivalent of a 70. Even philosophy, which I thought i’d done terribly on, left me with a rather respectable 68.

My lecturers both last term and this term are all fantastic, enthusiastic and actually willing to speak to their students – in full, interactive conversations! I think it’s a miracle… This term, i’ve done some course switching, and am taking:

Anthropology of Religion – great course with a lecturer from Cambridge. Really enthusiastic and kind – we even went for tea and discussed the Ox-Cam rivalries! Doing extra work for her class as we speak, and might even be able to help out with some research.

Medieval Books – hard work! Being given a manuscript, and told to write a dissertation about it. Actually, longer than a dissertation back home. It’s good practice, although not in my field.

Conservation (based at the ROM) – lots of chemistry, which I had thought i’d given up at 13… Fascinating though, and although it’s not massively hands on, it’s wonderful to be able to dig around the conservation labs at a massive museum!

Religion in Context – great course, although taught by a PhD student who is clearly not used to the whole teaching thing. Quite sweet actually. The material will get better as time goes on I feel, but she does know her stuff.

Holocaust after 1942 – taught by one of the foremost experts in the field. Just had an incredible seminar with her, and still am reeling from it a little. That’s how education is meant to be. Wonderful.

Literary Studies after Modernism – tough. Creepy. Very creepy. Lots of Robbe-Grillet and Borges. Very different from everything i’ve done before, and certainly not something offered at home, but fantastic experience. Just very heavy on philosophy!

I’m also helping out with a conference with the Theological Society of Canada, organising bits of that – hopefully i’ll be able to get more of a foot in the door later by doing so.

Lastly, and i’m not quite sure how this is going to work, i’m submitting an article for publication in a journal in June. You never know – if you don’t try, you don’t succeed. And it’s on a subject i’ve not done before. Sounds like just my kind of challenge!

So there are the adventures to date! There have been many challenges, and quite a few days when where I really wanted to be was home, but overall, there’s still so much to look forward to! Before flying home, the plan is to travel through Edmonton and to Vancouver, over the Rockies. I’m planning on heading up to Ottawa for reading week, and will be meeting my great friend Leah in Toronto. I’m going winter camping in a few weeks, and on a gaslight tour of Toronto on Saturday, a dinner on Sunday and am apparently being dragged to a sorority rush on Wednesday. Not quite sure what i’ll make of that, but we’ll see. I don’t see myself turning into Miss Legally Blonde…!

A guide to shelfmarks, via the Durham Cathedral Library, MS A II 10.

A lecture by Timothy Graham about the Book of Kells.

A post on medieval Witches, Warlocks and Demons, in a modern context. How devilish!

1000 medieval texts to read before you die. Well, almost!

The aptly named “Amazing and Incredible, Only-slightly-laughable Politically Unassailable, English Title Generator”.

And few more amazing little avatars , again from the Naked Philologist!

Some lovely images for your delectation…

Partly with thanks to The Naked Philologist.

For my part, this is a great step forward, and represents a bit of hope for a country that desperately needs some hope and a break from the current political system. In fact, I think that most of the world needs a change.

I am not sure either of them are the vision of the future that is truly needed. Part of me fears elements in them both – i’m not sure quite what. But it is a step forward and a chance for a new start.

North America is a good place to be right now.

P.S. Note the “Brendan” in the final strip – anyone get the joke? (see below )

This is a reference to St Brendan, who supposedly sailed from Ireland to Canada in the sixth century.

- Of course, there aren’t very many swear words in Old English texts – but if you really wish to swear in a slightly crazy medieval language:

The direct ancestor of “to shit,” for example, is scitan (pron. SHE-tahn). But we don’t really know what sort of register the word had. For all we know, it could have had about the same impact as “to defecate.” (On the other hand, there is the word skítkarl (“shit-man”) in Old Icelandic, which is a general term of abuse.)

To take another example, “fuck” is one of those words that, to judge by its form, may have been in the language from time immemorial. There are, for instance, cognate words in other Germanic languages. But (with the possible exception of a surname “John le Fucker”, which may not mean what you think) it doesn’t appear in writing until the 15th century. Was it there but unrecorded because it was so taboo, or did this word develop as a euphemism later, perhaps from Middle English “fike” (to fidget)? There are certainly Old English words for having sexual relations, but they tend to sound euphemistic. For example hæman means roughly “to cohabitate” (it’s related to ham, “home”). And there’s always swifan, “to swive”. But again, how much impact would it have had?

Apart from purely lexical matters, there is also the pragmatics of swearing. We can’t take it for granted that the set of things we find objectionable would have had the same resonance in an earlier age. Certainly the opposite is demonstrably true. For example, expressions that have their origin in religious figures now often seem quaint (zounds, Mary, by Sainte Loy, etc.). Although we still have “Jesus Christ!” and “God damn it!”, the strongest vulgarities today are largely non-religious. The word “profanity”–and “swearing” too, suggests the intimate historical connection between disrespect to the sacred and objectionable speech.

One interesting difference between modern and historical swearing, which may be related to the shift away from religiously-based swearing is the use of the modern curse words as interjections. “Zounds” is an interjection for Shakespeare, but “damn”, “fuck”, “shit”, etc. are not. “Damn” doesn’t appear as an interjection before the 17th century. “Fuck” and “shit” aren’t so used until the 20th. So if we were to literally translate an expression like “Oh, shit!” into Old English (eala, scite!), we would still be wildly off the mark.